1. It first comes in the night. It creeps up to you like a silverfish trying to seek cover under your mattress from the light you just turned on. It is irritated, like you. At 2:14 you decided to turn your light on and make a tea. Your eyes are sore from the bulbs hanging from the ceiling, they seem to be so loose, you almost want them to smash into your face.
2. My last dream was about treading in a field of mud with gumboots that were too small. The man said to watch out not to sink in the fields. They were massive. Acres over acres of wet fields in the middle of a forest. The little rivulets that modelled familiar shapes into the fields were endless and we could see them from above. I am not sure if we were the fields.
3. The next dream I had was the one with the monster. It reminded me of The Matrix. But with more heart and terror. The terror eased when we were eaten by it.
4. My body feels like it’s painfully expanding by the second. I am the most comfortable when I feel myself expanding not physically but (here language does not offer a word to the state I am describing).
5. I think of you often. You are in my dreams and in my routine. You are my lit cigarettes and my made bed. The daily struggle continues for us both, still you seem to somehow make it out. I wish I was your routine sometimes. I long for the security freshly washed sheets give me.
6. I leave a lot of things behind today. A lot of names and a lot of shame. A lot of anger and a lot of lust. Maybe we can get coffee sometime? I know a place in London that could serve us both. Not only coffee but ourselves.
7. My shame is ordered in three’s. Anger, resentment, pillowcases that are too warm to lay your head on in the night. My shame is in the flowers on your balcony and in my old school backpack. The one with the dinosaurs. Like them, I got erased by a giant meteor striking the sea where I was drinking.
8. The table has flowers on it. The same flowers that were on the walls of the loo up the stairs where I saw the femme in the dress and said my hello and my goodbye. I was with my parents.
9. Coffee and dreams go hand in hand. I wish we could hold hands. I really wish I was with you right now
10.My blanket is warm from the tea a person gave me once. I drank it but I had to pee shortly after. I was reminded of my shame, envy and jealousy all at once. Anger comes creeping up the bed.