my mind is running constant errands

today, there were more errands

than my mind could handle on a Sunday

so, it blew itself into the air

you said that there are two ways to explode

            one is to explode

            the other is to numb your mind

both are the same when you look at them alone, separately

when you are in search of constant relief and no one will come

over the river that has risen up and killed sixteen people you don’t explode,

you perish

but I was ready for the river to rise because now

my vantage point

is higher and I can see you, leaning on this rusty lattice

but though my position is supposed to be advantageous,
I despise hierarchy in the same way
I despise being ready for the death of sixteen people

the bodily desire to hug you


            who said, there are only thirteen ways to explode

            and not one looks the same when you look me in the eyes


            who couldn’t make it to your birthday party

            in that cute backyard you always talked about

            or will talk about?


            who is not yet here

and I don’t know who you are

but I want to cancel plans for you,
and I want to be alone with your thoughts while you make dinner to eat for us in the park next Thursday,
when the streets are closed off and not a soul will ask for us.

it’s far too keen on getting to know you to be ignored.

The great isolation

of my mind is finally here. It’s finally here. I can feel

the tears running down my face

And here I am,

            in an empty parking lot, rainy February evening,

on the bench near the spot I wrote “This is where I want to die.”
in my notebook on Halloween last year.

and here I am, racing again. And then,
my jacket will brush yours in the middle of the day
and a few drops of my tears fall onto the ground.

But they are not of our concern.