Pt. I
I have moments every few days
when I decide that I just don’t care anymore.
I think about what I could do to show the world. I need to show it to the world. To the world beyond my reach.
I desperately need to.
It is such a strong urge, I become so physically sick that I can’t stand up anymore.
I stand up & wander through my room. two steps towards the mirror.
Then I think about all my desires.
All these things that would make me feel so much happier.
That I like to fantasize about while drinking coffee or having a cigarette.
My thoughts constantly racing through my own head in a circle.
I don’t imagine my perfect life to be pure and without worries.
I want to worry,
I come to believe that I need to worry to be truly me & feel alive.
I want it to be good but filled with anger & desperation.
But most of all, I need it to be stable.
If my life could only be stable.
If my life could only be stable.
If my life could only be stable.
Then I wouldn’t mind.
But it’s constantly changing.
The people are always changing. The lovers are always changing.
The friends are always changing.
The places are always changing.
As a result, I need to change up my daily life.
Never go to the same café two days in a row.
Never drink the same coffee two days in a row.
Never eat the same food two days in a row.
Never smoke two days in a row.
my life is very consistent, but I don’t want to admit it to myself.
Pt. II
The moment I wake up from this dream. I will see light & darkness merge in an endless sea of possibility.
Consistency will greet me with a warm hug, not a handshake.
The floor will form waves. The concrete will wave in synchronicity to the music playing over the speakers.
They will flow into the whitewashed walls & out of the open double door
onto the street
and into the sewer.
It will move towards the reservoirs, and the seas.
They will be swept with concrete. The sea will be concrete
and people who wished to cross it for all their life
will be able to do so,
as the water helps form bridges and arches across the sea
people steadily breaking through the barriers,
and with them come dreams & desires for better lives.
Lives they could only fantasize about in their small one-bedroom apartments with a sink overflowing in the corner. Water slowly dripping onto the carpet floor, never dry & never really wet. In a constant state of moistness.
now they see the same water splashing onto the walkway they use to cross the seas. The water they learned to hate so much, is now paving the way for them, crushing the concrete into a two-feet-wide path.
When I look out of my window, I see that the wind constantly changes the direction in which the trees smell their surroundings. Sometimes they smell East of the garden & sometimes they smell West.
The foxes don’t seem bothered by it since they can choose what to smell.
I never go to the same café two days in a row,
and yet, I do, and I don’t feel bad.
My life is not very consistent.